Gottman’s Four Horsemen
Ella was done. “I can’t believe you care so little about me and your family. You’re so selfish, and only think about yourself.”
Luca was stunned. “How can you say that?! I spent all week asking you to make me a list of things you needed to be done—and I never got that list. How is this on ME?”
Conflict in long-term relationships is unavoidable. What’s even more frustrating is that typically we just revisit the same themes in different instances over and over. There’s an old adage among therapists that couples don’t fight over new things, they just have new disagreements on old themes.
John and Julie Gottman are psychologists who have been doing research on couples and long-term partners for decades. In that research, they found four common elements of conflicts or traits in relationships that indicate the likelihood of the success of that relationship. They call them the Four Horsemen.
Criticism: The important differentiation here is that criticism is more than complaining—it’s meant to make a person feel pain, attacking the core of who they are, rather than pointing out an observation of their behavior. The Gottman’s give the following example:
Complaint: “I was scared you were running late and didn’t call me. I thought we had agreed that we would do that for each other.”
Criticism: “You never think about how your behavior is affecting other people. I don’t believe you are that forgetful, you’re just selfish. You never think of others! You never think of me!”
The difference between these two is intent. We can sometimes resort to lashing out with criticism when we are feeling resentful or pushed to your limit.
2. Contempt: When we communicate with contempt, we’re utilizing everything we can think of: sarcasm, cutting remarks, ridicule, mimiking. And according to the Gottmans, is the single biggest indicator of pending divorce.
3. Defensiveness: Typically a response to contempt, but not always. It’s intended purpose is usually to get our partner to stop talking about whatever has been brought up, but rarely works out this way. If the other partner doesn’t apoligize or
4. Stonewalling: Think of a literal stone wall-no contact. Sometimes it comes out of a trauma response, but others it’s a punishment and an ice-out of a partner. Sometimes it can include not making eye-contact or acting like you aren’t in the room.
According to the Gottman’s, the presence of these 4 signs indicates that a relationship isn’t going to make it. The simple reasoning is that love and trust can’t be maintained under strenuous and invulnerable conditions, which all of the above are. Hostility only begets more hostility.
What signs do you see in your own relationship? Click more blog posts to see the Antedotes for each Horsemen!
